Realizing you are growing up is one of the craziest and strangest feelings I have ever felt. Though I am excited for what the future holds, I can’t help but feel a little uncertain when thinking about life beyond Branham.

In high school, everything feels planned out. You have your classes, your friends, the streets you walk every day to school — it’s familiar. Beyond that however, the world is unmapped. SZA’s song “20 Something” perfectly captures uncertainty about growing up and wondering if you are moving in the right direction or just wasting time. 

When I first discovered this song in sixth grade, the gravity of its lyrics had not clicked yet. I had just left elementary school, and it felt like I had so much time to plan out my life and college was the last thing on my mind. High school still felt so far away. I was too young to understand just how fast time flies. 

Then, all of a sudden I was a freshman in high school, struggling to figure out who I was and where I fit in among my friends. I quit track, a previous passion of mine, due to loss of motivation and was hesitant to get involved in extracurriculars. Again, I told myself I could figure out my goals later, and I still had time to waste. 

As junior year loomed closer, my direction became clearer. I fell in love again with the sport I grew to hate, and my involvement on and off campus began falling into place almost on its own. During this time, I started exploring career possibilities and college life, but I still was unsure about where my life was heading after high school.

Then one day towards the end of junior year, I woke up and realized I had no more time. It was time to get serious about my goals and future. The decisions I had been putting off further and further, the date that felt years away, had crept up on me in an instant. SZA’s words perfectly encapsulate how I felt at the time: “Think of the past, please stay.” Don’t get me wrong — I was excited for what the future held, but I was just still trying to grasp on to the remains of my childhood for as long as possible before I had to say goodbye forever. 

Now looking back on that middle schooler, I realized just how much the years blur together, and suddenly I find myself graduating and on the verge of adulthood. However, seven years later and through all the change, this song has remained a constant in my music rotation.

Today, I feel like I have more control over my future than ever before — every decision counts twice as much and has the ability to impact my life forever. SZA’s grandmother reflects on the idea of control at the end of the song, “If it’s an illusion, I don’t want to wake up. I’m gonna hang on to it. Because the alternative is an abyss.” This song tells me that it is OK to not have everything planned out, to wonder if you are doing enough or moving in the right direction, to feel the pressure of trying to take control over your future. 

Much like how I feel about my life, the song’s lyrics express a sense of disbelief at how much time has passed. Though I have changed in so many ways, I still feel like the exact same kid I was on my first day of kindergarten — the kid that would spend hours drawing with crayons on the kitchen floor, who would build towns out of LEGO and who would watch “Sleeping Beauty” every night before bed. 

I think that’s why I resonate with this song so much — even if you are not ready for it, time ruthlessly throws you into the next stages of your life with little time to get up. Before you know it, you go from passing notes in class to picking out your future college. 

As we prepare to choose our different educational paths, SZA’s lyrics remind me of the importance of staying true to yourself in the face of change, especially by keeping in touch with old friends.  A lot of the people I know and love have been going to school with me for a majority of my entire life. This school year will be the last time I get to see them frequently before we all go our own way. Though we will continue to grow and change, I hope that the distance and time away will only strengthen our bond instead of letting it fade away. As SZA says, I am “hopin’ to keep the rest of my friends.” 

As graduation creeps closer and closer, I find myself caught between stepping forward into the new chapter of my life but also clinging to whatever last pieces of my childhood I can. SZA’s song is a reminder that though time will continue to pass and things will change, I will always still be that elementary kid, that middle schooler and that high schooler. 

Now, as I have the rest of my life ahead of me, SZA’s words hit even harder: “Good luck on them 20-somethings.”